$2 store score

Spotted at Daiso, the Japanese $2 store, where I went for treats and little toys for Matias' birthday party:

We are the square robots

Her pappa introduced her to Kraftwerk's "We are the Robots" and nothing has been the same since then. (Also see "We are the Flower Robots")

Sir Jeffrey Hillpig-Smyth

I promise this is the last "Arf?" blog before I write up some actual teeny traveler trips (I'm a bit behind). I thought this was absolutely hysterical when I first read it, but now that I read it again, I think it's so over-the-top that it might have been done on purpose - you know, The Onion-esque. Anyway.

It's a description of some walking sticks that were for sale at a tourist trap gift shop in Penang, and includes a brief biography of the inventor, Sir Jeffrey Hillpig-Smyth:

• Born London, 1910
• As a schoolboy - overweight, few friends, poor student, non-athletic yet polite, called 'Hillpiggy' by the staff.
• Harrow, 1928.
• Sent down from Oxford for indecency, 1930.
• Unsuccessfully stood for parliament, as an independent from the small constituency of Looting on the Thames, finishing fourth in a field of three, 1934.
• Alcoholic, 1935.
• Published at his own expense an angry and spirited collection of short essays entitled, Sticks and Stones, 1936.
• Alcoholic again, 1937.

Click on the photo to expand...

Today's Arf: Poopanalysis?

In the ladies' room at the Butterfly Farm, Penang, Malaysia.

Also, (in the same public bathroom), they would like you to please not bathe in the sink:

The LOIN KING

We bought this within the first few weeks of arriving in Beijing, without any intention of actually watching it. Though pirated for sure, it was still mass-produced. Still haven't actually watched it.

Social status goes to a rise

With a week left before our move to Singapore, I thought I should probably start getting things organized for the movers. But I keep getting distracted, not least by some of the forgotten things that I've stashed over the years, that are now making an appearance. Like this ad for another Beijing real estate development.

Social status goes to a rise, lives in to walking low; Be in CBD, same the apartment house being million catalogue, choosing 16th floor's or 6 tiers of courtyards Western-style house by the same token?

I just know the ads in Singapore will not nearly be as much fun.

Major yikes in Barcelona

WAY up there on my list of Freakiest Things I Have Ever Seen. And they were in a swanky toy shop window in Barcelona, on the same block as our hotel on Rambla Catalunya, about as major a thoroughfare as you can get. So I'm guessing they must be expensive.

Oh - and yes - because I've had to clarify more than once - these are supposed to be newborn baby dolls. Complete with lanugo and all. I'm half-surprised there isn't a "Lotus Birth" version with the placenta still attached. Ewwwwwwwww.

CORRECTION: I was referring above to the white stuff that newborn babies come coated in, which is actually called vernix caseosa. Lanugo is the super fine baby fuzz/hair.

Yet another "Arf?"

Bella's school had all the moms over for a tea party last Friday, and the kids had decorated mugs for the occasion. Sweet, right? And then I actually read the attached gift tag, and had another one of those, "Is it just me, or is this not quite right?" moments. Usually, with anything to do with Bella's school, at the moment I have that realization, I'm trapped in a crowded auditorium or have been sitting in a tiny chair for an hour and a half tearing my hair out, so as far as my sanity goes, I guess this is relatively benign. But still.

Today's Arf? Alexander Club Edition

Otherwise known as the Ladies' Locker Room, though to be fair, it isn't uncommon to have Ladies hanging about in towels, sipping tea and watching soap operas (they really do have couches, a TV, and tea service in there, not to mention a dimly lit "oxygen room" with fully-reclinable La-Z-Boys):

If you must fall and break your neck, do it carefully:

Anniversary Hair and Body Cleaner:

At the entrance to the locker room, where you're supposed to change into the hideous blue shower slippers:

Isn't it AWESOME that one of the fanciest sports clubs in Beijing still continues to provide so much bad-English-translation entertainment? To their credit, they did take down the rules and regulations posted on the inside of each locker, admonishing members to "guard their treasures," because the club "for anything is not responsible." Awesome.

Double Secret Illegal Camping @ Chaoyang Park

We'd seen other people do it before, and at first we thought that the sign (see second from left, above) clearly indicated that this was, in fact, the place to pitch one's tent. So we pitched a tent on the big lawn on the north end of Chaoyang Park and had a little picnic on Saturday. Eventually a uniformed park guard (who looked approximately 13 years old) came over and told us we couldn't do that there, but couldn't say where it was posted. It's "in the regulations," apparently, that only he was privy to.

Later we realized that we had no idea what these signs actually meant... since there were no generators or potable water nearby; and if camping wasn't allowed... and wait, what's that helicopter and truck unloading all about? At least we agreed that fire (in red) is always bad and clearly you weren't supposed to start any bonfires. Luckily, living in China has made us accustomed to living with profound confusion, so we were able to shrug it off and go on our way.

Something new every day

Busy day today, so I'm bailing out with a fish shot from the smallest, most crowded barrel of them all: Beijing real estate advertising. I didn't even have to whip my camera out for this one; they were actually handing out these cards in front of their kiosk at the mall, so I was able to take it home and scan it (I know, right? What a dork. I just really love this stuff).

It's typical of the brutal one-upmanship in Beijing real estate advertising. Here's a partial listing of some billboards in our immediate neighborhood, each declaring their superiority loudly and superlatively:

"Grasse Town will lead the way of building Chinese New Town by learning from the world advanced town mode"

"Only for the elites who are influencing this world. Best Apartment in Asia Pacific Expect Pure Brilliance"

"Discover the New Value of Villas"

"Competitors Triumph Before Street"

and though for a shopping mall, my favorite:

"Large Chance of Capturing Pleasanty surprise of Groping"

And yes, lovers of the English language who are more anal than I may be saying, "But Empi, I'm not sure if the OED lists 'one-upmanship' as a word, and I'm not really sure you can say 'superlatively'. Isn't this just a pot and kettle thing here?" To which, I'll admit that I hang my head in shame, with a pained memory of the time I made fun of the advertised "Toxotes Jaculator show" at the aquarium, only to find out later that it's an actual fish species (also sometimes called Toxotes Jaculatrix) that only SOUNDS like it should be rated NC-17.

So lest I stick a lower appendage in my masticating orifice again, I took the time to do a quick hit on dictionary.com and learned that percipient actually is a REAL word. What, you didn't know that?

The sign STILL doesn't make sense, but like I said right from the beginning, when you pay attention, you really do learn something new every day.

Notebooks that Inspire

With a notebook like this, I don't know how I can go wrong.

Wekipedia Delicious

Elsewhere in the world, it's the collaborative online encyclopedia with 270 million global users.

At our 'corner store' Lion Mart in the Beijing CBD, they're the people who bring the baguettes that are just a bit too soft and sweet and the horrible bagels that stay in your system for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Once again, Only In China

Fuwa (Olympic Mascot) on the South Side.

On this morning's school field trip to the obscure "Garden of World's Flowers," somewhere on the south 4th ring road, not sure where, exactly. All I know is, it's a 43-kuai cab ride away because we fled early to avoid the 1.5-hr wait for the school buses to take us back to the school.

Also, this was just about a minute before the little girl I was keeping my eye on turned out not to be Bella (who had run off inside one of the greenhouses and was meanwhile screaming for MAMMMAAAA). All of a sudden the 'kid finder' device in that Duracell commercial didn't seem so paranoid after all.

Commemorative Olympic Water Cube Humidifier

Two thoughts:

1. Only in China.

2. I want one.

Arf? on a stick

On the menu at a cafe in the Urumqi airport, during my trip to Xinjiang that now seems like it was ages ago:

Horsemeat and Camel meat, simply not my cup of tea, but what type of animal (or animal part) could a Maintestinal be? And I'm still really hoping that "Girl" on the menu for 25 RMB is a typo.

Hand-carrying 240 eggs

Getting off the extremely full Urumqi-Beijing flight last week. There are SO many options for this one:

• "Wonder what he has in his bag, 480 strips of bacon?"
• "Guinness world record for fastest flight by a flock of chickens"
• "Phelps' breakfast delivery rerouted through Urumqi"
• "And here I was, thinking that I would never have to worry about getting egg yolk in my hair during a domestic flight" (if stored in an overhead compartment)
• "And here I was, thinking that I would never have to worry about getting egg yolk between my toes during a domestic flight" (if stored under the seat)

America the Apologetic

We arrived at my parents' house in Northern Virginia a couple of nights ago, bleary-eyed and pooped from the 13-hr flight from Beijing, to find a letter tacked onto the kitchen bulletin board. It was on the letterhead of the Good Health Natural Foods Company, and it was addressed to my father:

I apologize for the unfortunate experience you recently had with our Veggie Stix. I understand that the quality change you noticed can be frustrating but please accept this coupon for a replacement bag from us. We hope this experience will not deter you from buying our product in the future.

Having just left China, where customer service departments are a cruel joke, I was practically moved to tears while reading this letter. Here, at last, was a good reason (aside from friends and family) to move back to America. Meanwhile, I also made a mental note to ask Papa the critical question: "WHAT unfortunate experience with the Veggie Stix?" That, and a discussion of the unreasonable rate at which consumer products he loves are subsequently discontinued, will be the subject of another blog post entirely.

Today's "Arf?", the Kashgar edition

In my hotel room bathroom:

And on the grounds of the Abakh Hojam tomb:
So sweet... they really look out for you here.

Barbie in a Beijing Toy Store

Okay, I know they keep all the reject electronics and lead-painted toys for the local market, but this is RIDICULOUS.

Innocuously enough, on the shelf at the Disney/Mattel/Barbie toy store at The Place: a "Knitting Pretty Barbie and Skipper" deluxe set.

But check out what Barbie is actually saying:

Presumably because the high stress of knitting is taxing Skipper's limited intellectual resources. And yet she manages to come up with a witty response:

Hm. It actually took me until now (4 hours of lunch, playing legos, and a naptime later) to realize that the whole Barbie-Skipper exchange are all puns on the knitting theme.

ps. Sorry about the sloppy focus and flash burns, as I was taking these there was a frantic sales lady waving her arms in front of my face. Obviously she was protecting state secrets, but stalwart photojournalist that I am, I pretended not to understand while snapping the pics, and then used my two year old to cover my retreat. That's actually the same trick used by all the CNN and BBC correspondents in China.

Purchasing information: 4th floor, The Place, Guanghua Lu, Chaoyang District, Beijing.
Knitting Pretty Barbie and Skipper, 899 RMB (131 USD)